How Our Thoughts Keep Us Stuck: Understanding the Stories That Shape Our Reality
Have you ever noticed how the same worry seems to replay in your mind, or how certain patterns keep showing up in your relationships despite your best efforts to change? You're not imagining it. The way we think about our experiences has a profound influence on how we navigate the world around us. The stories we tell ourselves become the very channels we get stuck on, shaping our reality in ways we may not even realize.
The Power of Our Internal Narratives
Our minds are incredible storytellers. From the moment we wake up until we fall asleep, we're constantly creating narratives about ourselves, other people, and the world around us. These stories feel so automatic and true that we rarely question them. Yet these internal narratives hold immense power over our emotional experiences and behaviors.
The work starts with recognizing the relationship between thoughts and lived experience. Not because I believe we need to "fix" faulty thinking, but because understanding this connection helps us recognize where we might be caught in patterns that no longer serve us.
Think about a recent moment when you felt anxious or stuck. What was running through your mind? Perhaps you were telling yourself that you weren't capable enough, that something terrible might happen, or that you'd always struggle with a particular challenge. These thoughts aren't just passive observations. They actively shape how you feel in your body, what actions you take, and how you interpret what happens next.
How Problems Maintain Their Form Through Memory and Thought
Here's something fascinating: problems often persist not because of current circumstances, but because we continue to remember and think about them in specific ways. Our brains are wired to notice patterns and make predictions based on past experiences. While this ability serves us well in many situations, it can also trap us in loops where we expect the same outcomes over and over again.
When we repeatedly think about a problem, we're essentially practicing it. Each time we revisit a difficult memory or anticipate a feared outcome, we strengthen the neural pathways associated with that pattern. The brain doesn't distinguish well between something we're vividly imagining and something we're actually experiencing. This means that ruminating on past hurts or future worries can keep us physiologically and emotionally activated, even when we're physically safe in the present moment.
Someone might have experienced a difficult event years ago, but the way they continue to think about that event keeps the associated emotions and physical sensations alive in their body. The original experience may be long past, but the thinking pattern keeps the problem fresh and present.
This isn't about blame or suggesting that people choose to stay stuck. Rather, it's about recognizing that our minds are doing what they've learned to do: attempting to protect us by staying vigilant about perceived threats. The challenge is that this protective mechanism can sometimes work against us, keeping us focused on what we fear rather than what's possible.
Your Belief Is the Channel You're Stuck On
Imagine your belief system as a television stuck on one channel. Every show on that channel confirms what you already think you know. If you believe you're fundamentally flawed, you'll notice every mistake and interpret ambiguous situations as evidence of your inadequacy. If you believe relationships always end badly, you'll be hyperaware of any sign of conflict or distance, potentially creating the very outcome you fear through your responses.
This is what I mean when I say your belief is the channel you're stuck on. Our beliefs act as filters, determining what information we let in and how we interpret it. They shape our attention, our emotional responses, and our behaviors in ways that often reinforce the very beliefs we started with.
Working with adults who are ready to explore these patterns, I've found that many people come to therapy already aware that something isn't working. They can often identify the surface-level thoughts: "I'm not good enough," "Everyone will leave me," "I can't trust my body." But they struggle to shift these patterns despite knowing intellectually that they're not entirely true.
This is where traditional talk therapy sometimes falls short. We can understand our thoughts logically, we can challenge them and replace them with more balanced alternatives, and yet the old patterns persist. Why? Because these beliefs aren't just cognitive. They're held in our nervous system, encoded in our bodies through years of experience and adaptation.
Moving Beyond the Talking Mind
I utilize experiential and somatic techniques such as Brainspotting, Accelerated Resourcing, and Somatic Experiencing. These approaches recognize that the stories keeping us stuck aren't just mental constructs. They're embodied patterns that involve our entire nervous system.
When we focus solely on changing our thoughts through cognitive means, we're trying to solve a whole-body problem with just one tool. It's a bit like trying to learn to swim by reading about it without ever getting in the water. You might understand the mechanics, but your body hasn't learned the experience.
Somatic approaches help us access the implicit memories and beliefs that live below our conscious awareness. These are the beliefs we absorbed before we had language, or the patterns that formed during overwhelming experiences when our thinking brain went offline. You can't think your way out of something that wasn't created through thought alone.
Through modalities like Brainspotting, clients can identify where they feel stuck in their body when they think about certain situations. By maintaining awareness of these physical sensations while processing the associated thoughts and emotions, we can often shift patterns that have been resistant to change through talking alone. This approach aligns with the understanding that our beliefs and stories are held throughout our entire system, not just in our minds.
Recognizing Limitations as Starting Points
Recognizing limitations isn't about cataloging everything that's wrong with you. Instead, it's about understanding what keeps you stuck so we can work with your innate abilities rather than against them. Your thinking patterns, the stories and beliefs you've developed, represent adaptations you made to survive and navigate your specific circumstances. They may have served you well at one time. The question isn't whether they're "wrong" or "bad," but whether they're still working for you now.
When we explore how thoughts keep you stuck, we're looking at the landscape of your inner world with curiosity rather than judgment. What channels have you been tuned into? What stories play on repeat? How do these narratives influence your emotional experiences and your actions? And most importantly, what do you notice when you begin to shift your attention?
The Role of Temperament, Attachment, and Personality
The stories we tell ourselves don't emerge in a vacuum. They're influenced by our temperament, our early attachment experiences, our language and culture, and our personality structure. Understanding these factors helps us make sense of why certain thought patterns feel so compelling and automatic.
Someone with an anxious attachment style might have learned early on that connection requires constant vigilance. Their internal narrative might center on themes of abandonment or not being enough. Someone who experienced trauma might have developed beliefs about the world being unsafe or their own body being unreliable. These aren't cognitive errors, they're adaptive responses to real experiences. These underlying factors do not excuse problematic patterns, but help us to understand them more fully. This understanding creates space for change. When you can see how your thought patterns developed and what purpose they served, you can approach them with more compassion and clarity about what might work better now.
Beyond Relief: Exploring New Ways of Conceptualizing What's Present
Many people come to therapy seeking relief from uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. This is completely understandable. Anxiety, depression, and the effects of trauma can be deeply distressing. However, I invite you to consider a different goal: rather than measuring success purely as the absence of discomfort, what if we focused on developing a different relationship with what's present?
This shift in perspective is crucial when working with how thoughts keep us stuck. If our primary goal is to make uncomfortable thoughts go away, we often end up in a struggle with our own minds. We try to suppress, avoid, or argue with our thoughts, which paradoxically gives them more power and keeps us focused on the very channels we're trying to escape.
Instead, what if you built your capacity to notice your thoughts without being completely defined by them. This doesn't mean the thoughts become pleasant or that you like them. It means you develop the ability to have thoughts without being entirely consumed by them, creating space for different responses. You already have the capacity for awareness, for curiosity, for sensing what works for you. These abilities may be overshadowed by the stories you've been living within, but they're still there.
Tolerating Uncertainty and Responding to What Works
One of the most challenging aspects of working with stuck thought patterns is learning to tolerate uncertainty. The stories we tell ourselves often serve to create a sense of predictability and control, even when those stories are painful. "I'll never get better" is a terrible thought to live with, but it provides a certain kind of certainty. "I might be capable of change, but I'm not sure how or when" requires staying with not-knowing.
Willingness to experiment with uncertainty contributes to the most profound shifts. This doesn't mean you have to like uncertainty or become comfortable with it. It means you're willing to stay present with it long enough to discover what else might be possible. It leaves room to explore: What happens when you notice a familiar thought pattern without immediately believing it or fighting it? What do you become aware of when you shift attention from your thinking mind to your body's sensations? What possibilities emerge when you're willing to try something different, even without knowing exactly where it will lead?
The Difference Between Understanding and Integration
Understanding why you're stuck is valuable, but it's not the same as being unstuck. You can have tremendous insight into your thought patterns, where they came from, how they operate, why they persist, and still find yourself caught in them.
This is where integration becomes essential. Integration means the new awareness, new experiences, and new capabilities become part of how you naturally operate, not just things you know intellectually. It's the difference between knowing about swimming and being able to swim.
Experiential work helps your body learn new patterns, not just your thinking mind. The most powerful learning often happens in the experiencing, not in talking about the theory. Doing exercises allow you to transition into knowing.
Building on What's Already Working
When you notice moments when you're not caught in the familiar thought patterns, what's different? What resources are you accessing? How are you orienting to your experience? These aren't trivial questions. They point toward your innate capacities that might be buried under layers of stuck stories.
Perhaps there are times when you naturally shift out of rumination, or moments when anxiety is present but not overwhelming. What's happening in those moments? By understanding what works, we can build on it rather than constantly fighting what doesn't work. This strengths-based approach doesn't mean we ignore difficulties. It means we don't define you by your limitations. The thought patterns that keep you stuck are part of your landscape, but they're not the whole territory. When we explore your complete landscape, including your abilities, your resources, your moments of flexibility, new paths often become visible.
What to Expect in Working Together
Noticing what’s different or recognizing that a small detail is significant is hard when you’re used to a narrative that turns a blind eye to those details. You don’t have to do it alone. I find much of my work is helping clients develop the skill to notice and place value on these tiny changes and observations.
It's important to note that I don't provide crisis services. My practice is designed for adults who are ready to explore patterns and experiment with new ways of being, not for situations requiring emergency intervention.
If you've read this far, something here likely resonated with your experience. Perhaps you recognize the ways your own thoughts keep you cycling through familiar patterns. Maybe you're tired of understanding your patterns without being able to shift them. Or possibly you're curious about what it might be like to work with your whole system, body and mind together, rather than just trying to think your way to change.
If this sounds like you, I invite you to reach out for that free 30-minute consultation. We can explore whether my approach might be helpful for where you are right now. For information about scheduling and my rates, please contact me through my website.
The channel you're stuck on doesn't have to be the only one available. Sometimes what's needed isn't a better understanding of why you're stuck, but a different way of engaging with the entire system that keeps you there. I'd be honored to explore that possibility with you.
About Dr. Katrina Kwan
I'm a psychologist offering online sessions to adults throughout Washington State, Florida and Utah. My approach integrates Brainspotting, Safe and Sound Protocol, Accelerated Resourcing, and Somatic Experiencing to help clients work with their whole system, not just their thinking mind. I focus on connecting you with your innate abilities and learning to navigate your life based on who you are, rather than trying to overcome or fix yourself. To learn more or schedule a free consultation, visit my website at drkatrinakwan.com.
